seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
