new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
