We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize