im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
