ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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