Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
