We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
