I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
