PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
