can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
