Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
