I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
