Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Randomize
