is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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