Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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