Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
