Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize