Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
