Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
