Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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