Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
