dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
