I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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