He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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