dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
