There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
