First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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