If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
birth control should be required to get into college
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Randomize
