This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
you never un-have a 4some
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
