i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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