I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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