i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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