He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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