he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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