Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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