Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
