my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
