I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
