it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
