the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
