I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
