Can i not drive my cunt home
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
