This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
