Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
