If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Randomize
