my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
