Just took my morning after pill in the library
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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