i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
