so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
