So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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