I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
