The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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