I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
