apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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