So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
