what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
