Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
