Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
