Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
