Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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